Rheumatoid Arthritis

 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis back in June. Up until then I had a diagnosis of Sjogrens disease and an expectation that I would receive another diagnosis someday as it unfolded and made itself more clear. It made a lot of sense. Pain in my hands and exhaustion have been my leading symptoms from the beginning. When I first got pregnant, I was sleeping literally all the time. I was only awake for a few hours a day and I noticed a big improvement in my autoimmune symptoms, but when the pregnancy exhaustion waned all heck broke loose. In the few months since then, I have lost a ton of function. Through the holidays we had our sweet Ecuadorian cousins visit and a lot of family drama on my side of the family and I pushed myself way too hard. I got through those couple weeks on fumes and by the time it was over the damage was pretty evident. My hands were in bad shape and so were all the other joints in my feet and legs and arms, but my hands for the first time were limited. They kept getting worse and I was losing actual function. We went bowling and I couldn’t hold the bowling ball, then a few days later I was trying to open a water bottle and the pain was so severe I gave up trying. My hands hurt all the time. I couldn’t put the pain in a box and forget about it like I have always been able to do before. It demanded some attention. I went to the doctor and was prescribed a heavy dose of steroids. I thought “great, this will fix me and I can go back to living my life”. Not so. It didn’t fix me. I’m a couple weeks out from that dose, already tapering down and I’ve lost even more function in the last few weeks. I had to get a tool to help me open Leo’s carseat. If I walk around the house barefoot I can’t stand the pain in my toes. I can’t unload the dishwasher because the plates are too heavy. 

I am a danish woman and I have always been so proud of the fact that I am as strong as a man. Now I can’t lift a plate. There have been times I could bear this cheerfully and times when it has scared me to death. What will the future look like. What other losses might be around the corner. With all these changes I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I had to tell my family and some people at church. I feel embarrassed and confused as I try to explain it but everyone has been very kind. Their concern has both lifted me and made me wish I had kept it secret a little longer. It feels more real when people know and I don’t like that. My kids of course have known a long time. They are lifting plates and opening water bottles for me everyday. 

Some days I get feeling down. There is so little I can do and I’m trying to rest up and get on top of it which really helps actually. But I start to feel like I am stuck, not accomplishing anything. Today as I was getting ready that song “ Strong” popped into my head. These are the words “he made you strong, strong enough to make it through whatever comes. You’ll be amazed what you can do. You’re a force. You’re a fighter, a precious child of God. He made you strong!” I am so grateful for that song. I sang it over and over again and I remembered that there is more than one way to be strong. Not just lifting things that are heavy. God has helped me to show great strength in the difficult moments of my life. I have been amazed by what I could do with his help many times. It gave me courage and confidence for this next chapter. I hope I won’t be facing this new child with so much disability. I hope I will be able to hold my baby and care for its needs and the needs of my other kids. But come what May, I know that God made me strong enough to cope with whatever lesson he needs to teach me and so I will submit and I will watch his plan unfold with confidence that he knows what he is doing.