Pregnancy

 Before Zach got sick, Javier and I decided we were going to have another baby. Actually even when Leo was a tiny baby and I was the most overwhelmed I always wanted one more. I used to pray then that God would bless me with the continued desire for another child. All through that time my autoimmune condition worsened. Every appointment the doctor asked me if I was ready to begin methyltrexate but I always put it off. It causes birth defects and I knew that once I began it, it would be hard to get off of it to get pregnant again. It felt like closing that door forever. So I got sicker and sicker and kept waiting but what for? We weren’t ready to have that baby either. We were maxed out with our five kids, Javier had been working day and night on the CFA and we coached 4 soccer teams between the two of us. We couldn’t find the time and I kept getting sicker. How could I even take care of a baby if I had one? Finally last spring things came to a head. It was time to move forward one way or another. My Rheumatologist told me it was okay to get pregnant but that I shouldn’t wait at all. There was a new medication he could start me on that I could take while pregnant but it would just keep getting harder and more dangerous if we kept waiting. We prayed. We visited the temple. We felt that God would bless us with another child and the blessings that child would bring to our family began to flood my mind. We both really wanted to have that baby so we told our teams we weren’t coaching in the fall (which was really really hard! Some of those teams have been together for like 8 years!) and we got to work. I had a mini miscarriage the week before Zach got sick but I hardly felt sad. I only knew I was pregnant for a day. When Zach got sick I could see it was such a blessing that I wasn’t pregnant then. I couldn’t have coped and I couldn’t have been able to help Natalie which was the only thing that kept me going those first few months. Every day I walked back and forth between our houses. I was in a fog. I tried to help the kids, I washed clothes, I cleaned, I told stories and put kids to bed. I didn’t notice that I hadn’t cleaned my own house in a month. I didn’t notice that my kids weren’t eating meals or going to bed. I was completely out of it but I was better at pretending over there. But eventually in the midst of our complete grief and hopeless sadness we felt that we should still move forward with the baby. I had the feeling that God had saved this blessing to help us and all the family in this time of sadness. Moving forward was the decision in my life which has required the most faith. It broke my heart to make a decision like that, it felt like moving on with my life in such a big way and I wasn’t ready. Every time I told someone I was pregnant I sobbed and that was hard to explain (to them and to myself). I am 12 weeks pregnant now and that doesn’t happen anymore now. I had to hunker down and get through the sickness. I haven’t been able to help at Zachs house anymore and I have hardly done anything for them or my own family these last two months. This time around I was offered Diclegis and I have not been nearly as sick as before but still sick enough the first month to be pretty incapacitated. My kids have been incredible! Max and Sammy have cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen every night, and taken turns putting Leo to bed. They have been so helpful and patient and loving! One day I told Max, “I hope you don’t feel like you have to do all this to earn our love! I would love you even if you didn’t help at all!” Max replied, “of course not! This is how we show our love to you!” Sweet boy! Here I am crying tears of pride and gratitude ❤️ Phoebe and Esther have been wonderful too! They started making their own lunches and getting themselves ready for bed and for school in the morning. Phoebe has taken on so much responsibility to help Esther with these tasks and Esther as small as she is has worked so hard and has been able to do for herself what I never would have thought she was ready to do! She has also helped Leo so much! He loves her and misses her and asks her to help him with snacks. She has also taken turns reading hil bedtime stories as has Phoebe. I am so proud of them all! I started feeling a lot better at about 9 weeks! Not all the way but so much better than before! Now at 12 weeks I’m probably 75% better and I’m able to do a lot for my kids again all the sudden in the last few days. I didn’t lose any weight though and I usually lose at least 5-10 pounds. I usually throw up all throughout the day but this time I felt yucky during the day but I only felt sick enough to actually throw up in the evening so that made a huge difference in being able to bear it with ease. I threw up just about every single day from 6-9 weeks and sporadically afterwards but that was honestly such a bearable amount of time compared to other pregnancies! I feel very grateful! I felt going into that I was so afraid to be sick. I had so much PTSD from other pregnancies but I felt that The Lord would bless me to not be as sick. That has been an incredible blessing ❤️ We are feeling better in our grief. I think of Zach every day, every hour, but I know he isn’t suffering and I can think of him with happiness and I’m so grateful for that. I know he is here too. I feel that deeply. I still cry often thinking about him but it is easier than it was before. Not for Natalie and the kids though. I pray that we will know how to lighten their burden and help. It is so painful to see them suffering.