my brother, Zach has died

 a visit to the doctor with a hurt knee. a diagnosis with Leukemia, 3 days later chemo which went wrong and he is gone.  As soon as I knew Zach was sick my mind starting reliving all the memories of our lives. I was filled with a deep love and appreciation for his life, for his character, for his kindness, for his example which has guided and formed me. As I have walked this month almost in a daze I have felt extreme sadness at times and love and peace which filled my being at other times. Sometimes both feelings together. I love my brother. I am so proud of him! he told his family when he was diagnosed, "I think this could be a sacred experience. It is what we make of it".  I hope I face every trial of my life with that wisdom. We have had sacred experiences. Liam was baptized just  3 days after his father passed away and we felt his spirit there tangibly. I was joyful that day. How could I feel sad when Zach was there and his spirit felt so joyful to me. I knew that he had a new perspective now and if he was not sad then I should trust his perspective to guide me. Most days have been very low since then too, but that is how I felt that day. A few days after the baptism I was at my parents house and mom said that she had felt him with her constantly. When she went in the house I took the opportunity to talk with my brother. To tell him how much I love him and how proud of him I am, how much I appreciate all the loving sweet things he has done for me all my life. I felt his spirit that day too. I felt his love for me and how joyful he was. I tried to be a good sister and to show my love but I was not perfect. Memories of unkindnesses (mostly unintentional) or of not always taking the time to talk with him or appreciate him pained me and I felt so much forgiveness from him, as though none of that mattered to him and he didn't want me to feel badly about any of that. Knowing that he is happy has been the greatest comfort I could have received. Once I had that experience of talking with him and saying what I wanted to say to him, A great part of my pain was healed. As time has gone on, it has gotten harder for me. Maybe it is just that it is a little different every day. I have not had a great memory lately so maybe I'm not remembering accurately the beginning pain, only my current pain. I miss Zach greatly and feel so sad to think that we will not get to see him for a long time, but I am comforted beyond explanation by a knowledge that he is still here and that he is happy. I had a very peaceful feeling one night that I would have the chance to say all the things I wanted to him and to spend all the time I wanted with him one day. In his last text to Javier and I he asked us to be there for his kids and my greatest comfort has been in being there at their house and doing what I can for them. I hope I continue to have those opportunities to do what he asked me to. My dear brother, I will be thinking of you constantly until I can be with you again and you will continue to be my example big brother. 

I sat in the back of sacrament meeting yesterday with tears running down my face thinking that I felt broken. A moment later I was staring at the sacrament tray full of broken bread and I remembered that Jesus was also broken. He was broken for me and you so that he would know how to heal us in these moments of our lives. This last month I have felt great sadness and also great peace. My brain is still trying to make sense of this change and that is painful. I think I see Zach everywhere and my brain doesn’t catch me before I feel so much. I believe that the path to recovery will be in focusing on love. Love for and from Zach, love for and from my family and friends, love for and from my Savior. I hope it’s okay for me to leave all these thoughts here for everyone to see. I look back with so much comfort on the people I know who have lost loved ones in the past and found meaning and comfort in the midst of their suffering and just kept going on. I guess my hope is that my experience might help someone else like those experiences helped me.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

This scripture struck me extra hard today. I got something different from it than I ever have. I always call Javier and my kids my treasures. I think about treasuring them and also all the rest of our families every day but today I thought about how treasuring our eternal relationship instead of just our earthly one can help me to feel more peace and less anxiety. Now we have two sweet brothers, Zach and Ivan, to treasure in heaven and I want to live my life thinking of and planning for eternity and the joy we will feel there instead of getting bogged down in the fear of losing what I have here and now on earth. I am grateful for these words of Christ that brought me peace today when I was feeling some inner turmoil. That peace is always a miracle.