Marriage

 When Javier and I got married I thought he was perfect. I was thinking the other day about how our love has matured over the years. We have been married for 16 years now and I could never have dreamed back then how much more I would love him now. I look back at the last 16 years we have definitely seen each other at our very worst and our very best. We’ve gotten mad and been impatient. We have broken each other’s hearts again and again. We have also nursed each other when we were sick both short term and the long term, chronic illness kind. We have made huge sacrifices for each other to achieve their goals. We have raised all these beautiful kids together and chosen the way harder path every single time in order to fulfill our dreams. We have worked so hard together. We have had so much fun together. We have  made big mistakes and forgiven each other for them. We have supported each other in grief and crises of faith and mental illness. Over all that time we have chosen each other again and again and again. Chosen to keep coming back for more even when we were so mad or hurt that we wanted to just quit. I guess that is where I feel this love so deeply. I’m just so grateful that in spite of everything we have been through together that he is still here and that he is is still choosing me. I am so grateful that we didn’t give up when our lives were hanging in the balance and that we have made it to see the harvest of all those love seeds we have been planting all this time. Right at this very moment it isn’t hard at all. Javier is my rock, my love, my reward. I tell him every day he is the only person in the world I really like (which is *sometimes* a joke). I think he is perfect in every way just like when I first married him except now I know for sure he isn’t, I just don’t care. He is mine and he is my perfect in all his imperfection ❤️

Starting over

 How strange it seems to me that now when Max and Sammy tower above me, I am starting over with a baby so small, he fits inside of me.

At this moment when we are beginning to plan ahead for college tuition and missions, we are also starting over with  hospital bills and diapers.

Now that all 5 of my children know how to ride a 2 wheeled bike, we are starting over with a human so helpless we will move his legs in bicicle kicks to help him burp.

With my house so full of music, of singing and piano and cello, we are starting over with the music of coos and babbles.

As we are beginning to sleep through the night about half the time, we are starting all over again with up all night every night.

Just when I was starting to feel so competent and knowledgeable, a new baby brings feelings of so much insecurity and vulnerability.

I loved every second of all our babyhoods. I am so unbelievably excited that we get to start all over again. Kissing tiny fingers, watching for new smiles. I can’t believe how incredibly blessed we are to get to do it all over again with a new sweet boy.

Christ the Redeemer

 We have Carolina, Carlin, Amy, Jaime, Joshua, and Jessita visiting and it has been wonderful. They came for Jaimitos wedding last week and we had a wonderful time seeing their love. It made me feel so grateful for Javier and remember all the miracles which have brought us to this place where we love each other so much. Last week in Utah I had a moment on my own sitting in front of a small Christus in the conference center. My eyes filled with tears as I felt his love for me and recognized how he suffered all the pain of the world so that he could know our pain and help us to carry it. His arms are stretched out to us. I love him dearly and I’m so grateful for his love and patience with me as I learn these lessons again.