Very honest

 My idea behind writing this post is that it will help me sort out some tough thoughts I’ve been trying not to think. I may end up deleting it at the end. Or if I can end this somewhere halfway positive I may keep it. At this moment I am worried about having this baby. I cannot see a way through where I will be able to really take care of him. When I hear about my sister up every hour with her 4 month old I am absolutely confident that my body will not allow even half or that and be able to function. I have done that 5 times so far and I was able to live through it and although it was difficult it didn’t break me. This time, I’m pretty pretty positive it is actually not possible. I don’t think there is a steroid dose high enough to get me through that. Javier is planning on waking up with the baby every time right now, but I’m not sure how practical that idea is either. He will still need to work every day. 

My big kids have had a tough week. Everyone is saying they don’t get enough attention or in the big boys case they are just angry with us in general which I’m taking as evidence that they need more attention but how do you give more from maximum capacity? I find myself crying. I’m hurting and I’m exhausted and I’m so worried we have taken maximum capacity and signed up for a baby which no one has the bandwidth for. We don’t have any support really. I mean we do. My parents are so sweet and willing to help but goodness, talk about maximum capacity. They give it new meaning with all they have in their plates. I wouldn’t add to their pile for anything. 

I do remember that I coped with these fears during each other pregnancy also (minus the debilitating ra) and they seemed silly once we had the baby and our capacity just grew. I hope that happens again this time. I hope we experience a miracle and I recover from this flare and I am well enough to care for the baby. I hope I survive. 

I am generally too tired and busy to give much attention to these fears but they live somewhere in the back of my mind while I’m driving to school and listening to two or three people talking at once all day and when I am taking another nap because my eyes won’t stay open anymore and I can’t lift my arms. It doesn’t feel like anxiety but writing it all down it looks like it doesn’t it? 

We have already seen some beautiful blessings because of this sweet baby boy. The kids have all matured so much this year and become so much more aware of others. They have taken so much care of me which I feel bad about but I also believe it is developing empathy and an awareness of what needs to be done. I am proud of them! Leo and Esther love the baby so much already. They both talk about him all the time and love to hug my belly and feel him kick. I know the older kids love him too. They are just more grownup about how they show it. My mom always said that babies raise good teenagers and I know that the teenagers will help raise the good baby too, just like my siblings helped raise me and we all did with Soph and Maddie and loved that above all things. 

I hope this baby will bring greater love and unity to our family and help my boys and girls to feel completely confident in caring for babies and younger children and to grow up to be good spouses and parents. I hope we will have the energy to enjoy all the joy and sunshine he will bring to us. I desperately hope he will be healthy and easy tempered and a good sleeper. 

In the meantime I think it’s good I’m busy and tired and can’t think about it too much because before I know it he will be here and everything will just turn out how it is meant to and we will just figure it out then. Oh and also my nieces are coming for 3 months like a month after he is born so that’s a little unique too. I’m excited for that and also hoping it goes smoothly and doesn’t break us.