Esther's Birth

God is so very Good.

My mom had a week. She got permission to come but in the whole course of the coming month and last month there was only one week when it was at all plausible for her to leave the mission and come here. When she told me that the first time I felt totally peaceful about it. Maybe like Peter walking on the water to the Lord I had total confidence that if she only had a week that God would help it to work out. But as I got closer to my due date I became kind of a crazy person. I wanted to baby to come right now even at 37 weeks. I thought I was totally ready and that Javier and I could handle it alone for a week and I got really depressed when she didn't come right away. Last Saturday I thought my water broke and we woke up all of our kids and took them to Seth's house and drove to the hospital only to find that through some insanely cruel trick of nature it was just lots or really watery fluid that wasn't my bag of waters. I cried for three hours straight which is so completely ridiculous but in my mind I was totally convinced that the baby would never come. I lost all my hope. The next day was Sunday and we'd been up all night so we missed church and watched conference talks instead. Javier turned on the Saturday afternoon session and there was a talk "Therefore they hushed their fears" by president Bednar. God knew I needed to hear it and I realized that I had been missing faith. I know that God will take care of us but I forgot it for that time. SO I repented and I think I handled the next couple days if a little impatiently with more grace than before. Tuesday night labor began with increasingly painful contractions but spaced pretty far apart. I got excited I labored all night and then finally at 7 just when I was starting to say it was probably time to go in I fell asleep for an hour and when I woke up they were gone. I was kind of disappointed but I remembered the lesson I had learned and I didn't give in. I was able to spend that whole day getting things done that needed to happen, last minute errands and taking care of the kids and I mowed the lawn. Then after picking the kids up from school I sat down on the couch and fell asleep for 10 minutes. When I woke up I was having the most painful contraction I'd ever felt and had to moan through it. The kids were super concerned. It was painful enough that it only took two contractions to convince me it was time to go and I moaned all through every contraction till we got to the hospital. I Was so worried they were going to turn me away but I progressed a centimeter in the first few minutes I was there from a 4 to a 5 so they got me back right away. Things were just getting more and more painful. I was making a lot of noise and it was starting to feel beyond bearable. The nurses taught me to "He He He" and that helped a little. I was group B positive so they had to get a bag of antibiotics in as quickly as possible and a bag of fluids before I could get an epidural. Everything went so fast. There was constantly something to do. I was probably in triage for close to an hour then it took awhile to get the IV in, then the medicine. I was pretty miserable by the time the epidural came and it did;t work on one side so almost as soon as I got some relief the pain started to intensify and pretty soon I wasn't able to He or moan or anything to cope with the contractions I just started bawling. Luckily by this time the nurse came in and shortly after the doctor and they said the baby was ready to come and out she came. They said she was sunny side up and that was why it hurt so badly, but out she came in just a couple pushes while I bawled and bawled and then when they put her on my tummy I just kept bawling. I'm crying now just thinking about it. 

I worried so much during this pregnancy. I never really let myself imagine it would all be okay, I was just overwhelmed not just with the pain but also with so much gratitude to have delivered her safely. She on the other hand hardly cried at all, sweet little dear. She was so so tiny. 6 lb 1.2 oz which made her our smallest baby by half a pound. My first thought was that she looked premature. I thought it might have been very foolish to mow the lawn after all. She was born Wednesday night at 9:02 the day before my mom was coming on a plane from Louisiana to help and oh how merciful the Lord's timing was. We thought we could handle this but there is just no way. IT has been so impossibly overwhelming and all the kids are so overwhelmed and I am. Without my mom here to help these last days I don;t know how we could have possibly managed.

Baby's coming...

Here we are almost 37 weeks along and trying so hard not to feel impatient. Then other times I feel so incredibly panicked about how I am going to cope with another child that I actually feel very happy to wait another couple weeks. Javier surely thinks I am bipolar by now but he has been so so sweet to me. It is seriously a constant slingshot back and forth between total impatience and utter excitement and kind of really seriously depression, anxiety, and fear. Sometimes I think I have totally got this and sometimes I feel like there is no way I can ever ever handle this next step. Who would have thought after going through this three times already I could feel so unsure about what to expect. One fear I had early on was that the pregnancy would make it so we couldn't have a great summer. That definitely turned out to be the opposite of what happened. Best summer ever! The kids made a volcano in the sandbox lots of times.

Phoebe was playing with Max and Sammy's legos and she breaks them. I told Max he had to think of a way to get her out without making her cry. He totally did it. He got her favorite stuffed animal that she likes to play with with him and lured her out. The best part was Sammy afterward saying admiringly, "Max has the best plans!"

James and Christian got to stay with us a couple days while their parents were on trek. It was a lot of fun. The kids made these bug habitats and were so proud of them!

Max's made up joke: "What did the stuffed animal shark say to the fish? I can't eat you, I'm stuffed to the gils."

Camping on the trampoline was my favorite thing we did all summer. We stayed up late watching the stars and talking with the kids. I had to sleep inside of course but it was so fun!

We went swimming more times this summer I bet than all the other times I've been in y life combined. It was a lot of fun for all of us. This adorable and terrifying boy is afraid of nothing! He is a pretty good swimmer but he needs to be rescued at least a couple times every time we go. It scares me to death! Phoebe is also afraid of nothing but her life jacket is pretty awesome. Sammy was a little easier on me until the last week of summer and spent most of his time practicing his swimming strokes where he could reach :) :) Phoebe also insisted on \wearing goggles even though she never put her face in the water, probably because she knew how impossibly cute it was "My goggles?"

Phoebe loves to pretend. She pretends all day with everything from her vitamins to her shoes and all of her games are pretty much the same. They all involve Mommys and Babies and bad guys. I love to hear her sweet voice in its pretend panic all day long. Sometimes I get mixed up and think she's talking to me but it is just part of her game. She also demands to wear her princess nightgowns at all times. It is really quite a feat to talk her into anything else. She especially loves, "My pink!" (her pink princess nightgown). Yesterday I hung up a canopy over her bed and she was so incredibly delighted! She kept saying, "My castle! I like it!! It has all the colors! Yellow, pink, other one pink, green! Mimi buyed my castle for me. I like it!!"  With the biggest smile on her face.

King Max is his blank rag cape.

All my kids love love love going to Grandma and Dadu's house. Phoebe asks me multiple times every day, "we going Grandma's house?" and if I say no she quickly asks, "Tomorrow?" What's not to love? They have two people who adore everything they say, play games with them and basically unlimited popsicles and iPad time as well as usually a ridiculously large ice cream cone every time they come.

The start of school is always a pretty rough time for me. I get fairly depressed every year. I thought that with the baby coming just around the corner it might be a little easier this year but it was awful. I miss these sweet funny little boys so so much when they are gone and all those pregnancy hormones really do a number on me too. This year it was more like a deep hopeless depression. I am so lucky though that Max and Sammy are both loving school so much and have great teachers. I don't think I could cope if it wasn't great for them at least. Plus although I know Phoebe misses her brothers and she tells me so sometimes, every day when I tell her its time to pick them up she throws her sweet little arms around my neck and says, "not yet." I love that girl so much and we are really having so so much fun together! IT is great because we are two weeks into school now and I'm not feeling very depressed at all anymore. SO thank goodness it passes. I get used to the new schedule and realize I still get to see my kids even if it is a lot less. They are the best kids in the world. I just love them so much! Sammy is such a proud little kindergartener and Max is a good big brother. Every day I watch him run around the corner after school gets out to pick up Sammy and then they walk back to the car hand in hand or with Max's arm around Sammy's shoulders looking at Sammy's school work. I love it that Sammy tells me about his day too! He wants to tell me every detail which is so so so much fun. I've noticed that it reminds Max of his day too so I;m hearing a lot more from him which I'm grateful for too :)

Max is an avid little reader. He's already read like 4 books during school hours if that tells you anything not to say anything about the piles and piles he reads at home.

Mommy: When you grow up I am going to spoil your kids!
Sammy's eyebrows shot up and look of horror crossed his face: You are going to Boil my kids!

The kids are so sweet to each other. Tonight Sammy bumped his  head pretty bad while they were all three running around the house like wild indians and as he burst into tears, Phoebe immediately started hugging him and Max looked at his wound and brought ice and a bandaid. I stood nearby and watched for a minute bursting with pride at the love they show to each other and then it was my turn to cuddle Sammy back to happiness.

Max reads to his little brother and sister a lot and they are endlessly entertained by Max's homework and all he does.

Phoebe LOOOVES chapstick. When she gets a hold of some you better believe her entire lower face is going to be well moisturized and sparkly :)

I'm married to a good man.

So I have unaccountably developed pretty terrible anxiety over the last few years. It seems to be significantly worse while I'm pregnant and nursing. Lately even watching TV has been enough to get me feeling pretty wound up and scared so Javier suggested that we read at night instead.

So the last couple weeks we have been reading Sense and Sensibility. Javier reads to me and I crochet. Something about the repetitive motion is very calming. I so look forward to evenings with Javier,  listening to his soothing voice, the voice of the man I love so much! We get comfy in our room and it is just absolute heaven.

Javier is very very good to me. I love it that is willing to do this to help me and be sweet to me. I married a good man!

God blesses me for trying

I am 7 months pregnant with three small children and a very forgetful fuzzy brain. I am also so so exhausted so every small effort is heroically tiring and incredibly difficult physically, emotionally, and mentally. Today I needed to drop off a present for a little boy whose birthday party we missed 2 weeks ago. We also missed his mom's wedding reception and I was feeling like dropping off this present so late was a pretty lame effort compared to what I ought to have done, so I prayed, "Lord please give me points for trying today?"

Here is the beautiful answer he gave me on the way to piano lessons, later today. I am so insufficient in every area of my life. I want to be so much better at everything and I get so discouraged! Piano lessons is my weekly epitome of failure mostly. We are always late, we never practice. Half the time Max is so tired he can't even concentrate while we are there. I feel like the teacher hates me, the kids are loud and distracting and it just feels like I am the worst mom ever. But here I was on the way and I had this thought that in spite of all this, in spite of the incredible feebleness of this effort and how short it comes from what we are "supposed" to be doing, Max is learning to play. He plays pretty well. He enjoys it. He feels good about it. He has improved leaps and bounds from where he started a year ago. Sure he would be better if we practiced every day and we were always on time and I didn't have to bring his loud siblings to distract him at lessons BUT I realized that if I didn't try, he wouldn't play at all. Even my super duper limited effort is reaping great results. I realized that that is the way with all the things I am doing. My very best is not much at all, but even tiny efforts when they are consistent pay off :) 

The Lord is blessing me so much for trying :) We try to read the scriptures each day. It is hilarious sometimes. The kids jump off the beds and run around screaming while we read. We try to have family home evening consistently. The kids jump on each other and laugh while we are trying to teach them stuff. We try to serve (itty bitty efforts) like having the missionaries for dinner or helping with family home evening at the retirement home. Always we are receiving much more than we are giving. The sweet missionaries and retirees are so sweet to our kids, they are patient with all the noise and running and our frustration. We try to go to the temple but inevitably someone forgets a recommend (me), we are too late for the session, last time my dress broke when I tried to zip it up. We go to church but we are so incredibly noisy and it is exhausting trying to keep them all under control. I try to do geneology but after I have found many names it turns out I can't do their work because I am not their nearest relative. But even though these efforts sometimes feel so hard and useless it can be ridiculous, I have amazing kids!! They are learning the gospel. They are feeling the spirit. They are kind to each other and generous with others. They are happy. I love my husband and he loves me. I feel that the seeds we are planting in so much weakness now are already starting to bear a little fruit. The Lord is blessing us immensely just for trying. That doesn't sound like failure at all. It sounds like success :)

Max's 7th Birthday Party

The invitations said, "come to the dark side. There will be cake" We invited all the cousins and the boys from Max's class and in the end we had about 20 kids. I made these light sabers out of duct tape and pool noodles and Javier dressed up as Darth Vader. I think he loved it. He practiced his voice for days :) Zach was sweet enough to come in his Boba Fett costume too. Pretty much most of the party was the kids wacking the adults and each other with the pool noodles. I thought it was the best party ever!

 Sammy taught the kids how to use a light saber. He even used an adorable yoda voice.