Comforted

 I went to a family history meeting this morning. Feeling so depleted I struggled to make myself go and worried that a family history meeting would just make me feel guilty about something I don’t have time for. Instead the meeting focused 90% on the Savior and I felt some of these questions that have been weighing in my heart lighten. The speakers talked about choosing to walk with Christ and something clicked in my brain that if I make the choice to spend time in the scriptures and the temple, these feelings of distance with the Savior will go away. I thought about how I passed out this last week. Basically my blood pressure got too low so my body brought in all the blood from the periphery of my body and focused it in the essential functions that would keep me alive. I realized that in this time of struggle, I need to shift my focus to the Savior if I want to keep my testimony alive. I have been trying to not think about him because remembering all the miracles he performed has been making me so sad but without him the work of the church is just busy work.

After the meeting Christina Mennear sat with me for a half hour and was so generous with her empathy and I felt something heal in my broken heart. She gave me great advice too but just seeing me for a moment and being a friend had an impact I don’t think I can overstate. 

Tonight Natalie Hansen invited us over and we talked about all these questions. What is faith? Why do I not believe that Christ will help with our problems? It was healing to talk with her. 

Afterwards I drove to the airport to pick up my cousin and I realized several things. For the first time in many months, I had a picture of God and the Savior in my mind and they were loving me and concerned about my sorrows. I have been imagining that they didn’t care but as I prayed in the car I felt their concern. Also for the first time in awhile I realized that I was thinking about others and wanting to alleviate their suffering. I’ve been feeling so guilty that I haven’t been able to make myself care about other peoples problems lately. That feeling brought me a lot of hope.